Train Wreck City!
Mostly what I am disappointed in is that I totally destroyed a really fun friendship. I don’t really have many friends anymore, and it was nice to have someone to hang out with that I didn’t have to make plans with weeks in advance– I could be like, “hey, want to go get a drink?” and we’d meet up at the bar next to work. Oh, this is Davey I’m talking about in case you haven’t guessed. So, it was really fun– we could talk about movies and music and philosophy or whatever or just make bad jokes. Of course my stupid hormones or brain chemistry or whatever had to go fuck it all up– why do I always end up falling for my dude friends? Why can’t I just leave it alone? Dude friends NEVER like me. We’ve alr4eady established that if a dude friend were to date me, that would make him gay (thanks, pete!) This has been proven over and over again. I always have this stupid JOhn Hughes fantasy that I”ll show up to a party or something in a dress and suddenly my dude friends will see me as a Real Girl and it’ll be all romantic and shit. In reality, it’s more like “holy shit, look who’s in drag!” Why do I always think that it will be different this time? Please, tell me.
So now I feel like utter shit for being rejected as well as feeling like a general lame-ass for destroying the only good friendship I’ve had in years. What is wrong with me? Jesus. And I’ve been drinking way too much. Last night I had to get off the train because I thought I was going to pass out and/or throw up. I got off a couple of stops early and sat on a bench and cried like a little bitch because well, my life really isn’t that bad. It’s just me that constantly manages to fuck everything up. It’s like I have an inner need to sabotage all my friendships! I don’t know. It hasn’t helped that I’ve been off meds for 2 weeks because my shrink wasn’t in town to refill my prescription. Maybe I’ll feel less like shit now that I have drugs again! Maybe not.
I suppose I am still friends with Robin– he’s another dude friend who totally didn’t ever want to date me (I was just his moped on and off for a while). It took a while I think, but I did get over his sorry ass. I really need to stop liking guys in general. This whole love shit has never brought me anything but misery and angst! Why can’t I control it? It’s all brain chemistry– can’t they invent a way to make it go away? Argh. I need to just become a hermit. Luckily, I think that’s exactly what it’s going to be like spending all day with a 4-month old baby. I will not interact with any non-drooling humans at all, much less guys I could possibly fall for, and this is a gigantic blessing. God I’m so emo.
Another good think about my new job is that, though all of my favorite bars are in Allston, Nathan is a little under-age to be hanging out in them after work, so I won’t be drinking nearly as much! This week I knew would be my last hurrah, so I pledged to party like Kim & Kelley Deal on crack… but I’ll be jumping on that sobriety wagon a few days earlier thanks to my last couple of nights!
Life would be so much easier if I just didn’t need to be around people ever! But, since I’ve managed to alienate all of my friends, I don’t even have anyone whose shoulder to cry on when I’m feeling like a pathetic little whiny bitch about such things. In fact, the few friends I have left only call me when *they* are having problems and need the proverbial shoulder. I don’t think they could handle it if *I* suddenly were the one to freak out! Goddamn. I hate feeling like this. I just need to get over it.