Archive for July, 2009

Secret Double Life (of a non-nerd)

I woke up this morning to find a large-ish piece of glass sticking out of my face. Where this glass came from, I have no clue. I think that I’m leading a double life– I’m obviously a spy whose brain gets erased after every mission and the glass is from when I smashed through a window while trying to catch onto an enemy helicopter. Or the cats could have broken something and tracked the glass onto the bed. But come on, really. How would a piece of glass get stuck to a cat and then deposited near my head? It’s only something a secret agent would wake up to!

I don’t think it had anything to do with the DATE I had last night. Yes, a date. I figured it couldn’t be any worse than the last one and if it was, then at least it would be epic, and give my internal monologue some entertaining fuel. My internal monologue has been kind of bland lately. The only interesting thing was the other day when I was in Harvard Square and saw this pre-teen goth chick wearing a shirt that said “I Heart Vampires” and a giant crucifix. I said, “aren’t you kind of sending mixed messages there?” She just gave me a really dirty look. My internal monologue should have stayed internal with that one. INSIDE VOICE! INSIDE VOICE!

So yeah, I had a date. It was enjoyable, can you believe it? Dude is on the level and we discussed things like Star Wars, mythology, the Indiana Jones trilogy (he said, “I wonder why they never made a 4th Indiana Jones movie?” oh be still my beating nerdy heart!), and never once did dehumidifiers come up (unlike the last date I had). After 2 hours at a coffee shop in Allston he said he had to get home because he hasn’t been sleeping well and he has to get up early for work tomorrow for a big project or something. I didn’t get so much as a handshake, just a “call me sometime” and that was it. Sounds like I got served. Alas. He seemed cool, too.

This got me thinking… maybe I’m *too* nerdy. I have been watching a heck of a lot of Robot Chicken lately. In making all the dollhouse furniture, I’ve been playing around with all my action figures a lot, which makes me ponder things like “Does Porkins [an extremely minor character in Star Wars] have a real name? Would he get along with Gwen Cooper [from Torchwood], with whom he is currently in a band? (he’s on guitar, Lando Calrissian on lead guitar, a purple robot on bass, Martha Jones on drums and Gwen Cooper on keyboards) Living alone means I watch a lot of movies and lately my movie fare has leaned toward the geeky side of the force (documentaries about electronic music, sci-fi). Maybe dudes don’t want to date chicks that remind them of their 10-year-old selves?

Because of this, I’m experimenting with being completely non-geeky for 24 hours, starting at sundown tonight. I will wear a nice twin set with pearls, not talk about anything sci-fi related, discuss things like the weather and (non-geeky) current events, and not watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer tomorrow while the baby’s taking a nap, which I’ve been kind of addicted to since I discovered that Jack & Laura have all 7 seasons of it on DVD. This also means no Torchwood or Robot Chicken tonight (I usually watch one of those before I go to bed. Hey, they give me weird kind of fun dreams!)

In overthinking this, though, I realize that eradicating every trace of nerdiness from my life will be difficult. For example, the ring tone on my phone is currently morse code for “artichoke.” Should I change it just for tomorrow? My bike has glow-in-th-deark stars and planets clipped to the spokes. I’d drive my car to work instead, except my car has stickers of robots and ray guns on the back. Geekiness permeates every aspect of my life! So, do I just go with things I can easily control, like what I talk about? Will I be like the vegetarians who don’t care if there’s lard in their cookies? Is this half-assing it? I’m not sure. All I know is that I looked damn cute last night, even if Mr. Date Dude didn’t think so (even if I was wearing a Batman t-shirt. It was a very cute Batman t-shirt!)

You know how I’m genetically pre-disposed to hate all shoes. I saw the first pair of shoes that I fell madly in love with since I was in 8th grade, so I bought them. They are red patent leather mary janes and they RULE! Angels wanna wear my red shoes. Totally. I wore those last night as well, adding to my overall cuteness. Basically, I rule. Why do people never see this?

July 30, 2009 at 8:29 pm Leave a comment

Beach Day!

Today is the first beach day of the year, and my STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CATS are doing everything within their little evil furry powers to stop me from going. I awoke this morning and went to put my bathing suit on… only to find that not only had it been peed on, but it had been ripped up. Lard Ass is really OCD about covering up his excretions, only he doesn’t really get the concept. He’ll pee in the cat box and then go scratch at the ceiling of the cat box, some newspapers in the kitchen, my laundry, the couch pillows, anything until I throw something at him and make him stop. So no bathing suit. No biggie. It was kind of an ugly one anyway. I didn’t want a slutty bathing suit and the only non-slutty ones they had at Target when Moth was insisting she buy me one last post-Christmas sale season were for fat old ladies. This one boasted that it made you look skinnier than any other suit. Unfortunately, it was really saggy in the boob area because large people who want to look slender invariably have a way bigger rack than I do.

Now I’m going to have to buy a new bathing suit, which I hate more than almost anything on earth (shoe shopping is still a more odious task– I think this hatred is linked to the non-girly gene that prevents me from ever getting a date with non-schizophrenics).

But wait! I have 2 cats! What could adorable little Jarvis do to prevent my beach going? Well, he’s been nesting on my towel shelf, so there is a 3-inch layer of cat hair on my beach towel. Unless I want to look like an orange and white Sasquatch when I get out of the water, I’m going to have to find other towel arrangements.

When I get back from the ocean, I’m gonna take both bitchez to the Wok n’ Roll Chinese restaurant and have them turned into a nice plate of General Gao’s Chicken. Then perhaps I will make a new bathing suit out of their pelts.

July 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm 1 comment


Whoa, I hate when I get all whiny like that (see post below). I’m too lazy to edit it, though. I don’t know what my problem is sometimes. I blame the lack of ice cream sandwiches.

ice cream sandwiches

mmm ice cream

I have an ice cream sand-wish. Perhaps I shall acquire one tomorrow. There’s a bodega down the street from where I work. Perhaps Neville and I will take a walk down there! Thank god he’s too little to eat actual food– I won’t have to share! MUHAHAHAH

July 13, 2009 at 4:35 am Leave a comment

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Nerdiness Prevails

I am the only geek on earth who never watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer when it was on TV. I saw the movie, and it was pretty rad (PeeWee was in it!) but for some reason the TV show never really grabbed me. My former roommates made Buffy Night a weekly event and I’d eat their delicious food and then go hibernate in my room. Why? Not sure.

Anyway, I started watching it while Neville’s napping because Jack and Laura have all the DVDs. It’s pretty freaking rad! Great, like I need another tv show to get addicted to. At least this one has like 9000 seasons; Battlestar Galactica only had 4!

Wednesday was Davey’s birthday and I went out to the old workplace to give him his present (an adorable stuffed Boba Fett– I bet you never knew the bounty hunter could be so cuddly!) and stayed for drinks at The End of the World (the bar where we hang after work). One of Davey’s friends showed up, this chick named Kaeleigh. I think I spelled that correctly. She’s a gigantic sci-fi nerd and couldn’t believe I’ve never seen Farscape or Stargate. Those were two other shows that never really grabbed me, but supposedly she’s going to assault me with DVDs so my sci-fi education will be well-rounded. I commanded her to watch Doctor Who and Blake’s 7. Geeks unite!

July 11, 2009 at 4:08 am 2 comments

Old Person Moment!

There have been many times I’ve thought to myself “whoa, I’m a grown-up!” For example, getting my first checking account, getting a promotion at work (the one and only time! OK, I’ve been promoted at 2 different jobs, but only one of them was a “grown-up” job), getting harassed by bill collectors, etc.

The other day marked my very first “HOLY SHIT I’M AN OLD PERSON!” moment. I slipped in the shower. Really. I was getting out of the shower, slipped on the edge and fell face first onto the floor, which is no easy task because my bathroom is microscopic. I managed to hit a couple of shelves and things on the way down and now I have gigantic bruises on my arm in the exact spot where Neville likes to punch me! I just tell people he has super human strength for a baby.

So yes, I have fallen and couldn’t get up.

I think the above reference is another sign that HOLY SHIT I’M AN OLD PERSON!

July 11, 2009 at 4:01 am Leave a comment

Amazing baby

Today Neville was not happy. He has a cold, which added to his already existing strike against sleep is not improving his mood. He did a lot of screaming, and spent the majority of the rest of his time on the verge of screaming; being one dropped toy away from a full-on freakfest.

However, he did manage to perform one amazing feat. While I was changing his diaper, he started playing with his toes, as he usually does. I went over to get him a new diaper and he managed to pee straight into his own eye. This of course made him screech as if he were on fire (and come on, wouldn’t you if you had managed to blind yourself, even momentarily with your own urine?), but it was truly amazing… a perfect arc going from his little baby wang straight into his left eye. It was like something out of a cartoon. OK, I’m not sure what kind of cartoon would feature that sort of thing, but seriously– it was amazing.

Lest you think I’m a horrible nanny, I don’t think it did any permanent (or even temporary) damage as he was fine two minutes later after he had screamed a bit (and he was on the verge of screaming anyway being in his mood). Baby pee is pretty much warm water at this stage– he’s peed on me a couple of times now and I couldn’t even smell anything. The pee dried on my shirt without a stain and left no other trace; it was just like water. it’s not even yellow.

So there was my excitement for the day!

What else? Oh yeah, yesterday Jack was working at home and when he wasn’t working, he put on the TV. I haven’t watched real tv in at least a year– we watched the history Channel, which for some inexplicable reason had shows about people tracking down animals that may or may not exist anymore. Anyway, I’m already obsessed with marsupials, but now I’m into this one:
tasmanian tiger
It’s the Tasmanian Tiger, a marsupial whose last surviving member died in a zoo in 1936 (they were hunted to extinction)… OR DID IT? Like most of these shows, they didn’t find enough evidence to prove that any were still around other than eyewitness accounts, but they do have a footprint and a vague, blurry photograph.

Anyway, the Tasmanian tiger is awesome because it has a gigantic jaw that opens way wider than anything else. Plus, it just looks cool. Poor extinct guys. Apparently some scientist is working on cloning one, Jurassic Park style. That would rule if they could bring some back from the dead!

The other animal that I am currently enamored with is the fruit bat. They are so cute!
awww, isn’t he adorable? They can have wingspans of 6 feet, too!

awww, this one is so cute I can’t stand it!

So I’ve been looking up info on fruit bats–they’re just awesome. Bats are so interesting with their echolocation (except fruit bats rely on big eyes and sense of smell only) and wings for arms and stuff. Rock on, bats!

Whoa, now I want to take my next vacation to the Bat Conservation Zone in Michigan. No, I’m serious! I have a week off at the beginning of August…

July 8, 2009 at 12:59 am Leave a comment

Quote of the day:

Being a cissy or a scaredy-cat used to be contemptible; now, in an age which regards any mishap as someone’s fault, illness as a sign of weakness, and death as a cruel and unusual punishment for which someone should be sued, being a cissy and a scaredy-cat is an opportunity. Our anxieties have been commodified just like our dreams.

–Michael Bywater, Big Babies: or Why can’t we just grow up?

July 8, 2009 at 12:29 am Leave a comment

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