Archive for August, 2009

Reality is Creepier than Fiction

I’ve seen a lot of scary movies. I’ve seen genuinely creepy movies. For example, The Blair Witch Project was one of the scariest movies I’d seen. I saw it right after it was released, well before the backlash started. Seriously, that film broke new ground in suspense! I’ve seen films by David Cronenberg, Dario Argento, all sorts of slasher movies, creepy Japanese movies etc…

Nothing has disturbed me as much as the Planet Earth series. Here’s a scene:

We’re in caves in Borneo or Papua New Guinea or someplace. The caves are dark, so no vegetation can grow. The only nourishing thing there is bat poop. 100 meter high piles of bat poop. Who lives on the mountains of poo? Cockroaches! Millions of them! Millions of them swarm on the piles… and one bat falls into the pile accidentally and the roaches swarm around him and eat him alive. ::EEEEEEESSSHHHHH::: I’m getting creepy goosebumps!

Somehow it’s all the more sinister with David Attenborough narrating. You can do the Dracula voice, you can intone like the rednecks in Deliverance, there is nothing scarier than a really uptight British accent. It’s the voice of ultimate “we’re lying to you to make you think everything’s OK” Maybe I read 1984 too many times. I could probably chalk it up to watching too much Doctor Who as a child, where all the evil villains in space were trained in Shakespearean acting. I don’t know, the way he rolls the “r’s” in “cockroach” makes my skin crawl.

dave
The Voice Of My Nightmares

Another thing that makes me shiver when I think about it is the bit on cordyceps. Cordyceps are a type of fungus that gets inside insects, controls their brains and then grows mushrooms on them from the inside out. This was all shown in exquisite detail with time-lapse photography.

I’ve always had a problem with dead bugs for some reason. When I was a kid, I really didn’t care one way or the other about living bugs, but insect corpses freaked the crap out of me. i remember seeing a bunch of dead wasps in my grandmother’s dusty back room and screaming and running away and not wanting to go into that room forever (which was painful since it was the room where she stored all her antiques and dusty boxes of random stuff that called me to explore them). The cicada shells you find on trees still freak me the fuck out. However, I haven’t had a bug corpse incident in a long time; I didn’t even remember that I had a problem with dead bugs until I saw this episode! Don’t you love it when something triggers your childhood fears and gives you nightmares? Let’s hear it for the subconscious!


Note how this segment start with ants. I HATE ANTS! Ants are the only creature great or small on god’s green earth that I unequivocally despise.

OK, I just posted that segment and I can’t watch it. I’m getting the willies just writing about it. So, if you ever want to know my weakness, like you’re trying to extract information from me about that secret government alien implant… just show me pictures of bloated insect corpses with mushrooms sprouting out of them with David Attenborough on an endless loop saying “cockroaches.” Believe me, I’ll cave.

August 31, 2009 at 4:11 am Leave a comment

why oh why do I bother?

So, a couple of months ago I attempted innernets-dating again. Why, when I know it’s the ultimqate in lameness, looks really pathetic, and I don’t even have ny luck? Well, I’m not getting any younger, and booty isn’t exactly falling in my lap. It sucked before, but at least I got a couple of boyfriends out of it, and even if they were douches at least they made for a good story. So, I sent messages to a number of different dudes on OKCupid.com, which is at least the most entertaining dating site that takes itself the least seriously. Of course none of the dudes I wrote to have replied. The only person who has sent a message to me was this 52-year-old guy who wrote:

Make a friend…
maybe a good one.

I ignored it mostly because well, he’s a Baby Boomer and I don’t do those. Also, the “maybe a good [friend]” thing was vaguely unsavory, though I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. So, a couple of days later, I get another message from the same dude:

Why be an amoeba?
i wrote a totally non threatening email to you.

shame on you.

OK, shaming me for not writing to him. Boy is that h0tt. Way to a girls heart and pants, old guy! But wait, there’s more! A couple of days later he followed up with this:

read

regardless of anything; you seem like someone who should know better about simple etiquette with really awesome people regardless of the photograph and in your case miss perception.

shallow you.

Well just call me shallow miss perception! Seriously, if he thinks I’m going to respond to that favorably, I don’t think so! Insulting chicks is really not the way into at least my favor. Of course this is the ONLY guy who would write to me! (besides the date guy from before who gave me the dis after 2 hours)

The opening line of Old Dude’s profile is this confounding run-on sentence:

i am a professional, cool music driven divorced guy looking to eventually maybe evolve to a collaborator girlfriend & possibly share life with or no commitment dalliance as is often the case in online dating.

Plus, I stated that I was looking for a dude between the ages of 30 and 45. What part of old enough to be my father did he not get?

So thus endeth my newest bout with innernets dating. It was awful before it even really began! Seriously, I’m sick of kissing the proverbial frogs in order to get the prince. Being a cranky old spinster has been my schtick for a while now, I think instead of trying to go against the grain, I should hone it into perfection! I will lovingly wield my old spinsterhood knowing that I will never again have to deal with freaky old losers!

August 30, 2009 at 6:20 am Leave a comment

Scooter & Gay Rob’s Big Adventure

Terrence had been on vacation in California for a week or so and now was back, so to celebrate Gay Rob & I did what we do best and went to his house to drink on his porch. Now lately I haven’t been drinking very much and am a lightweight. It doesn’t take many rum & cokes to get me a little toasted… and we were discussing I don’t know what when Rob said, “will somebody tell me why we don’t have any coke or ice?” Normally I would realize that this is because we’re drinking cuba libres and are out of coca cola, the active ingredient and also that when I went to the ice tray in the fridge, all of them were filled with very un-frozen water. However, I thought Rob was talking about cocaine and ice (back in the recesses of my mind I recalled this was a drug term for something or other) so I mentioned how I had some ecstasy back home. Rob and I then made a plan to take it the following day after I finished watering the plants at Harvard Business School.

So the next day arrives and Rob and I decide to take our big drug trip at the Copley mall and environs for entertainment value. We get down there and ingest said narcotic… and nothing really happened at all. I felt slightly dizzy, but that could have been because I was in this gigantic swanky mall and it was hot out. This mall has stores dedicated to Armani and Coach and other things that even if I could afford them would never buy because they just are so immediately enabling of conspicuous consumerism they just crack me up. Anyway, the drug trip was a big disappointment, though we had fun walking around amd making fun of stuff.

After that Rob decides we should go to Fritz, this gay sports bar (!) where he hangs out. It was kind of funny– there were big screen tvs showing various ball games, but all were being watched by nicely-dressed dudes with perfect hairdos. The whole ambience was kind of surreal. Then we went to The Alley, another gay bar where Rob hangs out– this one is more divey and could easily be an Allston hangout, except for the Shirley Bassey playing on the jukebox.

So that’s my big exciting drug story for the year. My crazy trips have been pretty tame lately– Hey, at least I got out of the house and had fun!

August 30, 2009 at 5:56 am Leave a comment

Obligatory bitching about the weather

Yes, it’s hot. Hot weather really sucks. my apartment is like a giant humid oven; my dehumidifier is working overtime and not making any difference. When the dehumidifier runs, it kicks a lot of heat off, too, so the apartment gets even hotter. So, do I want it hotter and moderately less humid in here, or 5 degrees cooler and have all my clothes get mildewy? Plus, my landlady was on vacation for 4 days and now she’s back… and has been doing laundry for about 12 hours straight. My apartment also gets hotter and more humid when the dryer’s going because it’s right outside the door. Blah blah blah. This is so boring. so freaking boring. I can’t sleep because it’s too hot and I have two fuzzy creatures that feel the need to snuggle up with me when it gets hot.

Ack. I can’t sleep. Insomnia. What should I do? Play another 147 games of Boggle with the computer?

August 20, 2009 at 4:56 am Leave a comment

Dreams Come True (or something)

It’s lame I know, but I was filling out one of those cheesy Facebook survey questionnaire things the other day because I had nothing else to do that I felt like doing… and one of the questions was “what is your dream job?” So I answered, “art director for movies.” I’ve always wanted to design movie sets, but ironically the only class I failed in design school was Art Direction. It’s always been there in the back of my head, though. I never really thought I’d ever do it because I had absolutely no idea where to even begin, and I’m sure it would require more school. No, I can’t afford more school. Even if I could, I don’t want to do anymore working full time to support myself while going to school full time, because that shit SUCKED!!!

So then I had a revelation… I could volunteer to do scenery on some student movie or something. So, I looked up on the New England Film website (there is a movie industry here since they now give tax breaks to people who film here) and found some people making a movie that needed a crew. I emailed them and I’ll meet with them on Sunday. Wow, that was easy! Now I can see if this is something I really can do! There’s no budget, so I doubt I’ll have to design sets from the ground up, I mean like constructing walls and stuff, because I don’t have any experience at that sort of thing. But, if they just need someone to sew up a tablecloth or paint a room, or even work out what goes in the room and where, I’m there! Though this will probably eat up all my free time should I get picked to do it, I’m really psyched!

August 14, 2009 at 2:06 am Leave a comment

RIP John Hughes…

The man who helped create the idea that sometimes the weirdo underdog in high school actually comes out on top has died… that would be John Hughes, writer of such 80s icon movies as The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Weird Science etc. Truthfully, I didn’t appreciate these movies until way later in life, as I thought of myself as way too sophisticated and cultured or something to watch this teeny-bopper crap when it came out. I was so sophisticated I could recite the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail from memory by the time I was 14. I was so sophisticated I religiously watched Miami Vice, but I was too cool for Sixteen Candles. Uh-huh.

I actually really dug Some Kind of Wonderful— it was basically Pretty in Pink with the sexes reversed… and the right people ended up together in the end, finally! At Bard College They would show movies sometimes in the student center (i.e., old gym) and one time they showed Sixteen Candles. At hearing the news, the Students Of Color Association (or whatever it was called; there weren’t enough ethnic people at that school to have individual student groups for Black people, Asians, Latinos etc.) staged a protest because of negative Asian racial stereotypes (Long Duck Dong) and showed Sixteen Candles as an alternative. Truthfully, I don’t think anyone showed up to either one. However, by then (1993), the 80s were already a kitchy nostalgia trip, and these movies were cultural icons. And yeah, I never saw The Breakfast Club until I was like 25.

So what can I say on the matter? I must say I was seriously annoyed by the Home Alone saga cycle and I wasn’t a huge fan of his oeuvre post 1987… but it’s sad when people die I guess. I really can’t bring myself to get too worked up over celebrity death. Alas, there will never be a Beethoven’s 6th.

August 12, 2009 at 4:14 am 1 comment

cute animal time!

baby sugar glider:

Julia Creek Dunnart:

August 9, 2009 at 10:04 pm Leave a comment

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