Archive for April, 2010

Good deed for the week

I’m trying to unload large amounts of books before I move. I remember each time I move, and how there are 100 zillion boxes of books which are just a pain in the butt. Do I need all these books? No, most of them I just have because they’re cool (i.e., “Useful Swahili”, “The Meaning of Liff” (first edition!), “Marvels of the U.S. Mail”), or because I read them once and liked them. I’ve decided that, unless I use a book for reference (name books, dictionaries), will read it over and over, or it is insanely cool and hard to find, I should get rid of them. I don’t want to just donate them to the Goodwill because some things are pretty esoteric (i.e., “A Medieval Motet Book”) and a couple of these are actually valuable. Those I’m attempting to sell on, which isn’t necessarily making them fly off the shelves! Also, The Goodwill has, like, 10,000,000 copies of, say Angela’s Ashes and probably doesn’t need another one.

So, I joined It’s a pretty cool site– you list all your books, and people who want them can “mooch” them from you. Each book someone mooches from you, you get a point or two (more if you ship to other countries). Each book you mooch from someone else you get a point taken away. All the popular paperbacks that I have are going to people who want them now, and that’s pretty cool.

But, I now have like 50 points and I really don’t want any more books (except, I’m embarrassed to admit I mooched the DaVinci Code— I watched a whole special on how preposterous it is on the Discovery channel and now I’m curious). I mean, now that I have a library card, I can pretty much get anything I want there. So, another feature of this site is that you can donate your points to charity. That is, charities can use your points to mooch books off of people for things they need. I donated all my points to a group that gets books to prisoners in Massachusetts. So there you have it, MA convicts can now read books (there are now 825 copies of the Da Vinci code available for mooching!), I have fewer books to move and everyone’s happy. Except me, who still has to pay for all the shipping. But, it’s a small price to pay (ok, it’s not since I agreed to ship books to Belgium and the UK) to know that I’m rehabilitating criminals and moving fewer boxes. Why didn’t I just put the books in a box on the curb with a “FREE” sign on them and save myself shipping costs on 32 books? um, good question. Oh yeah, prisoners. Think of the prisoners who will now be released and go on to become useful productive members of society thanks to Angela’s Ashes!

Oh yeah, and since I got addicted to bulk granola from Hole Foods, I have a ton of lunch-sized paper bags which are perfect for wrapping books up for shipping in. Recycle!

April 25, 2010 at 7:19 pm 2 comments

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The top search terms that bring people to this blog are:
Irish cliche
itchy scrotum
mo nique husband
scrotum face
elephantiasis scrotum

I don’t recall ever mentioning Mo Nique’s husband, but maybe he’s a scrotum face?

April 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm Leave a comment

Ah the innernets…

Internet dating. What an oxymoron! (as it happens, I put the “moron” in “oxymoron”). Photos are so subjective! Let me illustrate…

Here’s a picture of a dude who answered ad #2 (the one about being ugly):

exhibit a

Not bad, right? Maybe a little boy-scoutish (probably the uniform) but ok.

exhibit b

this is the same dude (when he answered ad #1). When I opened this picture, I’ll admit I swooned a little (the guy in question is a Chilean grad student). OK, at least *I* think he’s impossibly good looking there. See? A different angle and a little photoshopping goes a long way!

Pictures are so subjective. how can you have chemistry or not with a picture? I asked myself this and then opened this picture:

exhibit c
HOLY CRAP. Ok, I’ll admit I’m shallow and will totally reply to this dude just because he’s a super babe.

It’s interesting. When replying to my second ad, I’ve gotten 2 distinct kinds of emails: those like to stress how ugly they are themselves, and those who try to offer “reassuring” messages about how lots of guys like small boobs and tell me not to feel bad about them.

Exhibit A:

In line with your self-critical remarks, I will say that I am not a good-looking man, 5′ 6″, around 180, salt and pepper hair, ever-receding hairline, mustache. And although the following remark is very premature (and please don’t take offense), if by some stroke of luck or fate we were to strike it off, I should inform you that I suffer from the dreaded ED due to blood pressure pills that have a devastating effect below the waist. That means I can’t have intercourse. But I very much crave closeness and even other forms of physical intimacy not involving intercourse. As everyone knows, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, as it were.

Exhibit B:

You sound like a woman with many wonderful qualities! As a result, I feel obliged to respond to your post, primarily because I have worked with several women who projected some insecurity about the size of their breasts (or want thereof).

First and foremost, you should be aware of the fact that there are many men who actually have a fetish for small breasts. [There are, in fact, a number of porn websites featuring such women!] Moreover, there are some relatively simple, all-natural techniques which can enhance bust size (somewhat), and I’d be more than happy to discuss these with you if you are interested. [No, I am definitely not trying to solicit business of any sort!]

…and then there are just the freaky ones:

Hi, I’m considered an easy going,nice looking,well built foot guy who really likes to treat women special. One way I like to show my affection is by giving the most relaxing foot loving experience ever.

“well built foot guy”? Huh?

Basically, i want to have a great time with a nice girl… dinner, dancing, wine, fun… but i want her to have sex with whomever she wants, whenever she wants… whilel i remain faithful to her.

i want her to show off herself to other men… with me there…

Uh… yeah.

I’m currently in a poly relationship with a smart, gracious, warm-hearted BBW who is w-a-a-a-y better than I deserve. We have two non-negotiable rules: we never lie to each other and we play safely with partners outside of our relationship. It’s not complicated and it works. Or, as Whoopi Goldberg said, “It’s easier to tell the truth than to try and remember all those lies you done told.”

Moving right along, I want to meet somebody new for Fun, Adventure and Enlightenment–as long as it doesn’t involve dangerous activities such as mountain biking, rock climbing, unsafe sex, appearing on TV reality shows or voting Republican.

Maybe it’s wrong, but I never want to be anybody’s “first”. I’d had too many experiences where people who thought they were adventurous, progressive and open-minded weren’t. Ugh. Being an “experiment” always turns out ugly. Please be absolutely sure that you know who you are and what you want before you write me. I don’t like it when things go “Boom!”.

I like sex, but I’m not a “swinger”. No thank you. I don’t want meaningless one-night stands because I don’t want to objectify people. If I can’t have a conversation with someone outside of the bedroom, it’s highly unlikely that sex is going to be satisfying physically or emotionally. I’m not looking to fall in love, but I want to like the person I’m naked with. I hope you’re looking for the same thing.

I like how this one ends with “I hope you’re looking for the same thing.” Well who isn’t, really? Doesn’t everyone want to do a polyamorous kinky nerd?

Also, who even said I feel bad about my small boobs? Personally, I’m glad my fun bags aren’t any bigger because big (or even normal sized) boobs look like they’d be annoying. I mean, my microrack is annoying enough. God. Just thinking of all the euphemisms for breasts really gets my goat every time. What’s my favorite? Oh yeah, “sweater meat.” WTF?!?!?

Oh, and here’s the picture that wouldn’t show up on the last post.

April 17, 2010 at 3:07 am 1 comment

Glutton For Punishment

So, I was kinda bummed out about being so ugly. What did I do? I decided to capitalize on it and, out of masochism, boredom or some combination thereof, I posted another ad:

I’m ugly and have small boobs, but I’m awesome!

I’m a hideous flat-chested hag, but I am totally fun to be around. I have a wicked sense of humor, I’m a great cook and I generally can enjoy any situation I’m put in. I’m smart and can hold up my end of a conversation about pretty much anything (except possibly cricket. I know nothing about that sport, though it intrigues me). I’m well-traveled, educated and will keep you on your toes. What’s more, I’m probably the only chick you’ll ever meet who has a fetish for computer programmers! I guarantee I’ll be the most fun moped you’ll ever be embarrassed to be seen in public with. So, if you’re 30 to 45 and vision impaired, drop me a line!

I figured I’d get the regular bunch of readers bitching me out for not taking dating seriously (I did the last time I posted something funny-ish), but instead I’ve gotten a ton of actual responses, some of which are quite funny. Wow. It’s amazing how desperate some people are. I’m sure they will all go away once I send them a picture and they see I wasn’t joking!

April 16, 2010 at 12:45 am Leave a comment

I am Officially Ugly!

So it’s spring, and I decided to take my yearly shot in the head and attempt to get in the dating thing again. I put an ad up and got a whole bunch of replies. If there’s one thing that I can do it’s write a good personal ad. I got around 60 or so replies and after weeding out the form letters, loonies and people who only write one line that contains no actual English words such as “i would av love to attach my picture but i want u to mail me from your personal email and i will send u my pix.”

I answered about half of them, including a picture with the ones who sent them to me. The only two who re-responded to me were the ones I didn’t send pictures to… When I got around to sending pictures, I got an Official Dis (citing the lacking of physical attraction) and the Passive Dis (i.e., no reply). So, I am officially ugly, even to the losers who frequent the Craigslist personal ads.

Come on, I think I look pretty good in this picture:
I’m not THAT ugly. WTF? So, I guess I’ll go back to my old schtick and just be a cranky old spinster.

HAHAH even Word Press thinks I’m ugly– it won’t even make that picture show up!

April 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm 1 comment

Job 2: always an exercise in aggravation

I’m pretty OK for money. I pretty much only work Job #2 because I like it. For job 2 I take care of the plants in the chapel at Harvard Business School. It’s this awesome Logan’s Run type place filled with plants and a pool with a waterfall and sometimes, when everything is working properly, $4000 koi swimming around. The chapel was built in the early ’90s, and it getting to the point where things need to be repaired and upgraded (i.e., masonry, plumbing, electricity, heating system etc.). Each thing is being taken care of by a different contractor, none of whom know the other ones and who apparently don’t report to anyone at Harvard. Thus every week just about there’s some new complication: one week the door lock people had messed up the locks. One week the water pressure was too low so I couldn’t use the hose. For several weeks they were re-cementing the pool and had all access blocked off.

This week I went and the glee club was practicing in the chapel part. This was particularly painful because they haven’t been practicing very long and, well, they sounded really painfully bad. I went around trying to ignore them, pruning trees and pulling up dead ferns wondering what I had done in a past life to deserve this kind of torture. When I got the hose out to water everything, the water had been shut off. So, I went to the security office who called an office who called another office who finally reported that some contractors were working on the filtration system and they had no idea when things would be back to normal. Argh. HQ called HBS and finally got it out of someone that the water should be back on today, but of course I have to work all week which means that I have to go in on my freaking SATURDAY to water the plants. This means I could have spared my poor tender ears the cacophony of hearing wealthy future business leaders of the world trying to belt out things that sounded suspiciously gospel-esque. Oy vey! At least I got my company to put in some pomegranate trees! I am really excited about them!

HBS chapel

April 15, 2010 at 3:43 pm Leave a comment

Tea Partying!

Yesterday Sarah Palin was in town, speaking to thousands of irate New Englanders on the Boston Common. People had all sorts of signs including ones like “Obama = elected communist czar” and “I ❤ Sarah Palin because she ❤ my country." The czar thing made my brain hurt. It's just wrong on so many levels! Anyway, there were protesters there as well, but I was part of another kind of protest. We had a tea party. People dressed up in fancy clothes and brought china and had a tea party. When people got in our faces and tried to tell us how Obama was an anti-American illegal immigrant communist who wants taxpayers to fund everyone to have a mandatory abortion, we just offered them tea and cookies. The whole tea party was making the point that you should just be polite and civil. Some people went all out with costumes, too! There were a bunch of guys in Victorian suits, girls in long dresses, fancy hats and parasols, one group had speakers hooked up to an iPod and played tastefully bland Baroque music as they sipped their tea. It was pretty awesome! I brought Nana's white wicker purse and her blue and white teacups with a lacy doily. I realized that I don't have anything fancy to wear that's not suitable for a goth club, so I wore my black party dress with red & white striped stockings and shiny red mary janes. Oh yeah and pearls. Don't forget the pearls! The pro-Palinites were really trying to pick stuff with us, too! They were very confrontational. Some warmed up after they had cookies, others just looked confused. One lady even made a sign shaped like an arrow that said "tea party imposters!" on one side and "fake protester alert! Liberal moonbat!" and walked around through the tea drinkers pointing it at people. I'll post my picture with her! Instead of making people mad as I think she intended, people were overly polite, offered her lots of cookies and took turns having their picture taken with her. It was pretty awesome.

April 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm Leave a comment

Just because I watch a lot of movies…

doesn’t mean I could actually MAKE a movie. I think a lot of people (or at least me because I have this weird idea in the back of my head that I can pretty much do anything even though I would probably suck at it) think that just because they watch people doing things, they can do it to (i.e., be a politician, play football). OK, maybe it’s just my own hubris. I’ve had this idea for a screenplay knocking around in the back of my head for several years now. Remember National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)? Well they have another thing, Script Frenzy, which is the same thing only you write a screenplay. So, I started mine. Wow, this is really freaking hard! I had to pick something annoying, too. My screenplay is the dramatization of a bunch of Irish folk ballads, all woven together into one epic story. Of course this requires a buttload of historical research since it’s set in the 1880s. It involves a chick who dresses up like a dude and joins the navy. I borrowed a bunch of books from Tanya about women sailors and read through them, but I realized that they weren’t very helpful since this may be a woman, but she’s still living the life of a man. Anyway, I had to refresh my brain about Parnell and Home Rule and the Kilmainham Treaty and all that shizzle. Then I had to look into the landowning situation. Of course all of this stuff is just background noise and not completely central to the plot. I’m just a slave to historical accuracy. I didn’t want this to be like Far And Away where pretty much everything made me cringe with the inaccuracies of it all (though I -heart- Chief O’Brien). All of this, however, is an excuse because whatever bit of dialogue I get out onto a page sounds insanely cheesy. It’s awful. My biggest fear in life is to be cliché, and so far I am failing miserably at avoiding it. Maybe I’ll read some more Liam O’Flaherty books to get some better dialogue in my head that’s not so Lucky Charms meets Irish Spring Soap.

April 2, 2010 at 2:54 am Leave a comment


I’m getting totally addicted to this selling-crap-on-eBay thing. I just sold that Timex Sinclair computer for $131.52. It may have been worth more than that but I don’t care– I am glad to get it out of the house!

Hmmmmmm what else can I sell? My apartment will be completely bare by the time I move! Yayyyy!!!

April 1, 2010 at 3:34 am Leave a comment


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