Ah the innernets…

April 17, 2010 at 3:07 am 1 comment

Internet dating. What an oxymoron! (as it happens, I put the “moron” in “oxymoron”). Photos are so subjective! Let me illustrate…

Here’s a picture of a dude who answered ad #2 (the one about being ugly):

exhibit a

Not bad, right? Maybe a little boy-scoutish (probably the uniform) but ok.

exhibit b

this is the same dude (when he answered ad #1). When I opened this picture, I’ll admit I swooned a little (the guy in question is a Chilean grad student). OK, at least *I* think he’s impossibly good looking there. See? A different angle and a little photoshopping goes a long way!

Pictures are so subjective. how can you have chemistry or not with a picture? I asked myself this and then opened this picture:

exhibit c
HOLY CRAP. Ok, I’ll admit I’m shallow and will totally reply to this dude just because he’s a super babe.

It’s interesting. When replying to my second ad, I’ve gotten 2 distinct kinds of emails: those like to stress how ugly they are themselves, and those who try to offer “reassuring” messages about how lots of guys like small boobs and tell me not to feel bad about them.

Exhibit A:

In line with your self-critical remarks, I will say that I am not a good-looking man, 5′ 6″, around 180, salt and pepper hair, ever-receding hairline, mustache. And although the following remark is very premature (and please don’t take offense), if by some stroke of luck or fate we were to strike it off, I should inform you that I suffer from the dreaded ED due to blood pressure pills that have a devastating effect below the waist. That means I can’t have intercourse. But I very much crave closeness and even other forms of physical intimacy not involving intercourse. As everyone knows, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, as it were.

Exhibit B:

You sound like a woman with many wonderful qualities! As a result, I feel obliged to respond to your post, primarily because I have worked with several women who projected some insecurity about the size of their breasts (or want thereof).

First and foremost, you should be aware of the fact that there are many men who actually have a fetish for small breasts. [There are, in fact, a number of porn websites featuring such women!] Moreover, there are some relatively simple, all-natural techniques which can enhance bust size (somewhat), and I’d be more than happy to discuss these with you if you are interested. [No, I am definitely not trying to solicit business of any sort!]

…and then there are just the freaky ones:

Hi, I’m considered an easy going,nice looking,well built foot guy who really likes to treat women special. One way I like to show my affection is by giving the most relaxing foot loving experience ever.

“well built foot guy”? Huh?

Basically, i want to have a great time with a nice girl… dinner, dancing, wine, fun… but i want her to have sex with whomever she wants, whenever she wants… whilel i remain faithful to her.

i want her to show off herself to other men… with me there…

Uh… yeah.

I’m currently in a poly relationship with a smart, gracious, warm-hearted BBW who is w-a-a-a-y better than I deserve. We have two non-negotiable rules: we never lie to each other and we play safely with partners outside of our relationship. It’s not complicated and it works. Or, as Whoopi Goldberg said, “It’s easier to tell the truth than to try and remember all those lies you done told.”

Moving right along, I want to meet somebody new for Fun, Adventure and Enlightenment–as long as it doesn’t involve dangerous activities such as mountain biking, rock climbing, unsafe sex, appearing on TV reality shows or voting Republican.

Maybe it’s wrong, but I never want to be anybody’s “first”. I’d had too many experiences where people who thought they were adventurous, progressive and open-minded weren’t. Ugh. Being an “experiment” always turns out ugly. Please be absolutely sure that you know who you are and what you want before you write me. I don’t like it when things go “Boom!”.

I like sex, but I’m not a “swinger”. No thank you. I don’t want meaningless one-night stands because I don’t want to objectify people. If I can’t have a conversation with someone outside of the bedroom, it’s highly unlikely that sex is going to be satisfying physically or emotionally. I’m not looking to fall in love, but I want to like the person I’m naked with. I hope you’re looking for the same thing.

I like how this one ends with “I hope you’re looking for the same thing.” Well who isn’t, really? Doesn’t everyone want to do a polyamorous kinky nerd?

Also, who even said I feel bad about my small boobs? Personally, I’m glad my fun bags aren’t any bigger because big (or even normal sized) boobs look like they’d be annoying. I mean, my microrack is annoying enough. God. Just thinking of all the euphemisms for breasts really gets my goat every time. What’s my favorite? Oh yeah, “sweater meat.” WTF?!?!?

Oh, and here’s the picture that wouldn’t show up on the last post.

Entry filed under: un/spinsterhood.

Glutton For Punishment awesome!

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Kelly  |  May 5, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    Big boobs are over-rated. Seriously, trust me. They hurt, they make your back hurt, bras that fit correctly are impossible to find – let’s not even discuss bathing suits, and oh yeah clothes don’t fit right, for instance, a lot of tops and dresses make you look pregnant. When I see someone’s getting or has gotten implants I want to scream. Of course, they don’t have these problems as much with fake breasts because, for one thing, they don’t need a bra! Ugh. Don’t get me started. I’d give almost anything to go down a few sizes. Instead my bc pills just keep making them bigger. They are ridiculous. LOL Please be happy with who you are and what you’ve got. ;o)


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