Archive for January, 2011

Toddler Dialectic: a Tragedy in 10 minutes

This morning upon my arrival at work, The Kid’s dad informed me that The Kid was on hunger strike. Eschewing his favorite foods as well as non-favorite foods, he is now hungry, tired and crabby. Our scene opens with the Kid finally breaking down and tuning into his hunger.

KID: umm. umm umm ummm (TRANSLATION: I am hungry)
ME: Would you like some breakfast?
KID: UMM UMM UMM! (TRANSLATION: feed me now!)
ME: What would you like for breakfast?
KID: dumptruck dumptruck
ME: dumptrucks aren’t very good breakfast food. How about some oatmeal?
KID: DUMPTRUCK. DUMPTRUUUUUUUCK. dump TRUUUUCK! dump TRUUUUCK!
ME: Dumptrucks are more of a tea time thing. How about some pancakes?
KID: dumptruck. back hoe. orca [we have been discussing orcas and other whales lately].
ME: Yes, I see. Would you like some eggs?
KID: NO. dumptruck. back hoe. Orca.
ME: cereal?
KID: No. Orca.
ME: grapes?
KID: NO! NO NO NO! NONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Orca.
ME: yogurt?
KID: No. Orca.
ME: raisins?
KID: OOOOOOORRRRRRCCCCCAAAA! NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! (pause) (in a small voice): umm.
ME: Yes, I know you are hungry. Let’s start over. Would you like some oatmeal?
KID: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Orca. Orca. Orca.
I go to the refrigerator, The Kid squeezes his way in front of me and points repeatedly to the tabasco sauce)
ME: no, you can’t have tabasco sauce for breakfast. How about some yogurt?
KID points to the salad dressing
ME: no, no salad dressing either. I think it’s time we closed the door.
KID: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! (does the passive resistance thing where he goes limp on the ground and screams)
ME: (holding up the baby yogurt, what he normally has for breakfast) Look, it’s yogurt! There’s a baby on it!
KID: (sobbing and pointing to the top shelf) cheese. Cheeeeeeese. Cheeeeeeese. Umm.
ME: (noticing cottage cheese on the top shelf) You want cottage cheese?
KID: (nods)
ME: (making sure he hasn’t changed his mind) It’s cottage cheese you want?
KID: (nods again)
I get down the cottage cheese and feed it to him. He discovers that it’s more fun to stick his hand in it and them smear it all over my arm.
ME: Please stop.
KID: (laughs maniacally and smears more cottage cheese)
ME: If you do that again, I’m putting the cottage cheese away
KID: (diabolical laughter, more cheese smearing)
ME: OK, that’s it (put cheese away)
KID: (on the floor screaming. Screams subside into pathos-laden sobs) oooorrrrrrcccaaaaa. Ooooorrrrcccaaaa.

And that was my morning.

January 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm 1 comment

Gladys messerschmidt WIN!

Ok, this one kind of cracked me up today:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Ore o’s, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

January 15, 2011 at 5:14 am Leave a comment

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,700 times in 2010. That’s about 6 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 45 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 135 posts. There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 49kb.

The busiest day of the year was February 20th with 42 views. The most popular post that day was Apartment Angst.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were namenerds.com, mail.yahoo.com, Google Reader, alphainventions.com, and student-loan-consilidation.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for polymastia, tarsier, wombat, elephantiasis, and polymastia photos.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Apartment Angst June 2009
1 comment

2

Fuck. Today. September 2009
2 comments

3

About April 2009
1 comment

4

Robert Downey Jr: I’d still hit it June 2010

5

Dear U.S. State Department, Please Bite me. January 2010

January 3, 2011 at 4:24 am Leave a comment


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