Toddler Dialectic: a Tragedy in 10 minutes
This morning upon my arrival at work, The Kid’s dad informed me that The Kid was on hunger strike. Eschewing his favorite foods as well as non-favorite foods, he is now hungry, tired and crabby. Our scene opens with the Kid finally breaking down and tuning into his hunger.
KID: umm. umm umm ummm (TRANSLATION: I am hungry)
ME: Would you like some breakfast?
KID: UMM UMM UMM! (TRANSLATION: feed me now!)
ME: What would you like for breakfast?
KID: dumptruck dumptruck
ME: dumptrucks aren’t very good breakfast food. How about some oatmeal?
KID: DUMPTRUCK. DUMPTRUUUUUUUCK. dump TRUUUUCK! dump TRUUUUCK!
ME: Dumptrucks are more of a tea time thing. How about some pancakes?
KID: dumptruck. back hoe. orca [we have been discussing orcas and other whales lately].
ME: Yes, I see. Would you like some eggs?
KID: NO. dumptruck. back hoe. Orca.
KID: No. Orca.
KID: NO! NO NO NO! NONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Orca.
KID: No. Orca.
KID: OOOOOOORRRRRRCCCCCAAAA! NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! (pause) (in a small voice): umm.
ME: Yes, I know you are hungry. Let’s start over. Would you like some oatmeal?
KID: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Orca. Orca. Orca.
I go to the refrigerator, The Kid squeezes his way in front of me and points repeatedly to the tabasco sauce)
ME: no, you can’t have tabasco sauce for breakfast. How about some yogurt?
KID points to the salad dressing
ME: no, no salad dressing either. I think it’s time we closed the door.
KID: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! (does the passive resistance thing where he goes limp on the ground and screams)
ME: (holding up the baby yogurt, what he normally has for breakfast) Look, it’s yogurt! There’s a baby on it!
KID: (sobbing and pointing to the top shelf) cheese. Cheeeeeeese. Cheeeeeeese. Umm.
ME: (noticing cottage cheese on the top shelf) You want cottage cheese?
ME: (making sure he hasn’t changed his mind) It’s cottage cheese you want?
KID: (nods again)
I get down the cottage cheese and feed it to him. He discovers that it’s more fun to stick his hand in it and them smear it all over my arm.
ME: Please stop.
KID: (laughs maniacally and smears more cottage cheese)
ME: If you do that again, I’m putting the cottage cheese away
KID: (diabolical laughter, more cheese smearing)
ME: OK, that’s it (put cheese away)
KID: (on the floor screaming. Screams subside into pathos-laden sobs) oooorrrrrrcccaaaaa. Ooooorrrrcccaaaa.
And that was my morning.
Entry filed under: 9 to 5.