Archive for December, 2012
You’ve been hearing Christmas music since the beginning of November; probably so much that you completely tune it out by now. However, some of you are probably thinking “oh crap, it’s Christmas, and I should bust out the Frank Sinatra… or whoever sings that Mele Kalikimaka song or whatever.”
I am a giant snob, and don’t like many Christmas songs written after 1900, but I know them all by heart of course, due to years of having worked retail with them on in the background.
Here is a summary of what you could be listening to in order to make your yuletide a little more gay. Or, rather, here’s a condensed version so you can read this list and feel the warm, roasted-chestnut glow of Christmas without actually having to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
- White Christmas*
::strangely fitting commentary on global warming
- Silver Bells*
::Tinnitus is a bitch, particularly in urban areas.
- The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting…)*
::Christmas discriminates against 7 out of 9 nonogenarians
- The Little Drummer Boy
::I’m poor, so all I can do in the face of inequality is annoy everyone.
- Walking in a Winter Wonderland*
::marriage officiated by snowmen is a valid relationship goal.
- Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow*
::there will be some hanky panky due to inclement weather.
- Baby, it’s Cold Outside*
::date rape was much more romantic/humorous in the era before roofies.
- It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas
::too bad it’s only October.
- Carol of the Bells
::it’s very very very very repetitive. Very very very very repetitive.
- Have a Holly Jolly Christmas*
::”holly” is apparently an adjective
- It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year*
::”mistletoe” is apparently a verb
- Do They Know It’s Christmas? +
- I’ll Be Home For Christmas*
::Being in a war sucks, so please control the weather for my benefit.
- Santa Baby*
::daddy issues are a terrible thing
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
::Guess who your real dad is?
- Santa Claus is Coming To Town
::Santa is Big Brother
- Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer*
::being different is only cool if you’re extremely useful. LIKE A LIGHTBULB!!!
- Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree*/Jingle Bell Rock
::hey, remember when rock n’ roll was relevant?
- Feliz Navidad
::Hey white people, you too can sing in Spanish!
- Mele Kalikimaka
::Sleigh bells, schmeigh bells. face it, you’d rather be somewhere where the weather doesn’t suck.
- Frosty the Snowman
::Magical snowmen don’t need to heed the police.
- We Need a Little Christmas*
::WE ARE IMPATIENT! p.s. who the heck has a spinet anymore?
- Chipmunks’ Christmas Song
::I will personally kill anyone who buys Alvin a hula hoop.
* written by at least one Jewish person
+ Bob Geldof had a Jewish grandparent!
KID: What happens if I don’t go to bed?
ME: Then you won’t get to see Santa tomorrow (he’s scheduled to go to a Santa tea party). 48 (his Elf on the Shelf) will see what’s going on and tell Santa, and you won’t get any presents.
KID: I would just yell bad things at Santa!
ME: Santa would put you on his “naughty” list forever! You wouldn’t get any presents until you’re 90!
KID: I would just turn invisible and sneak into his house and POOP ON HIS HEAD!!! Then I would take off my invisible cloak and find a present and just open it!
ME: What if there was a present in it that you didn’t want? Like a ballerina Waldorf doll (his mom is way into these)… or a boring old spatula?
KID: but Mommy could use a new spatula! WHAT IF IT WAS A REAL DINOSAUR?!? It could be a really really big present and inside would be a real dinosaur, not a pretend one. Then I could take it home and tell it about my dreams.
ME: ok, what if it was something broken?
KID:then I would just SHOOT Santa in the face… with a gun that shoots jelly.
ME: then Santa would not only never give you another present, he’d take all your toys away and give them to other kids who weren’t naughty and deserved them.
KID: Then I WOULD SHOOT HIM AGAIN!!! I would CHOP HIS HEAD OFF and get ZOMBIES TO EAT HIS BRAINS!!!