Archive for December, 2012

Scooter’s Guide to Christmas Music

carole3rsYou’ve been hearing Christmas music since the beginning of November; probably so much that you completely tune it out by now. However, some of you are probably thinking “oh crap, it’s Christmas, and I should bust out the Frank Sinatra… or whoever sings that Mele Kalikimaka song or whatever.”

I am a giant snob, and don’t like many Christmas songs written after 1900, but I know them all by heart of course, due to years of having worked retail with them on in the background.
ChristmasMusic2_121219
Here is a summary of what you could be listening to in order to make your yuletide a little more gay. Or, rather, here’s a condensed version so you can read this list and feel the warm, roasted-chestnut glow of Christmas without actually having to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

  1. White Christmas*
    ::strangely fitting commentary on global warming

  2. Silver Bells*
    ::Tinnitus is a bitch, particularly in urban areas.

  3. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting…)*
    ::Christmas discriminates against 7 out of 9 nonogenarians

  4. The Little Drummer Boy
    ::I’m poor, so all I can do in the face of inequality is annoy everyone.

  5. Walking in a Winter Wonderland*
    ::marriage officiated by snowmen is a valid relationship goal.

  6. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow*
    ::there will be some hanky panky due to inclement weather.

  7. Baby, it’s Cold Outside*
    ::date rape was much more romantic/humorous in the era before roofies.

  8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas
    ::too bad it’s only October.

  9. Carol of the Bells
    ::it’s very very very very repetitive. Very very very very repetitive.

  10. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas*
    ::”holly” is apparently an adjective

  11. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year*
    ::”mistletoe” is apparently a verb

  12. Do They Know It’s Christmas? +
    ::probably not.

  13. I’ll Be Home For Christmas*
    ::Being in a war sucks, so please control the weather for my benefit.

  14. Santa Baby*
    ::daddy issues are a terrible thing

  15. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
    ::Guess who your real dad is?

  16. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
    ::Santa is Big Brother

  17. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer*
    ::being different is only cool if you’re extremely useful. LIKE A LIGHTBULB!!!

  18. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree*/Jingle Bell Rock
    ::hey, remember when rock n’ roll was relevant?

  19. Feliz Navidad
    ::Hey white people, you too can sing in Spanish!

  20. Mele Kalikimaka
    ::Sleigh bells, schmeigh bells. face it, you’d rather be somewhere where the weather doesn’t suck.

  21. Frosty the Snowman
    ::Magical snowmen don’t need to heed the police.

  22. We Need a Little Christmas*
    ::WE ARE IMPATIENT! p.s. who the heck has a spinet anymore?

  23. Chipmunks’ Christmas Song
    ::I will personally kill anyone who buys Alvin a hula hoop.

* written by at least one Jewish person
+ Bob Geldof had a Jewish grandparent!

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December 25, 2012 at 5:52 am Leave a comment

Yuletide wisdom from The Kid

KID: What happens if I don’t go to bed?
ME: Then you won’t get to see Santa tomorrow (he’s scheduled to go to a Santa tea party). 48 (his Elf on the Shelf) will see what’s going on and tell Santa, and you won’t get any presents.
KID: I would just yell bad things at Santa!
ME: Santa would put you on his “naughty” list forever! You wouldn’t get any presents until you’re 90!
KID: I would just turn invisible and sneak into his house and POOP ON HIS HEAD!!! Then I would take off my invisible cloak and find a present and just open it!
ME: What if there was a present in it that you didn’t want? Like a ballerina Waldorf doll (his mom is way into these)… or a boring old spatula?
KID: but Mommy could use a new spatula! WHAT IF IT WAS A REAL DINOSAUR?!? It could be a really really big present and inside would be a real dinosaur, not a pretend one. Then I could take it home and tell it about my dreams.
ME: ok, what if it was something broken?
KID:then I would just SHOOT Santa in the face… with a gun that shoots jelly.
ME: then Santa would not only never give you another present, he’d take all your toys away and give them to other kids who weren’t naughty and deserved them.
KID: Then I WOULD SHOOT HIM AGAIN!!! I would CHOP HIS HEAD OFF and get ZOMBIES TO EAT HIS BRAINS!!!

December 15, 2012 at 12:53 am Leave a comment


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