Archive for December, 2012

Scooter’s Guide to Christmas Music

carole3rsYou’ve been hearing Christmas music since the beginning of November; probably so much that you completely tune it out by now. However, some of you are probably thinking “oh crap, it’s Christmas, and I should bust out the Frank Sinatra… or whoever sings that Mele Kalikimaka song or whatever.”

I am a giant snob, and don’t like many Christmas songs written after 1900, but I know them all by heart of course, due to years of having worked retail with them on in the background.
Here is a summary of what you could be listening to in order to make your yuletide a little more gay. Or, rather, here’s a condensed version so you can read this list and feel the warm, roasted-chestnut glow of Christmas without actually having to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

  1. White Christmas*
    ::strangely fitting commentary on global warming

  2. Silver Bells*
    ::Tinnitus is a bitch, particularly in urban areas.

  3. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting…)*
    ::Christmas discriminates against 7 out of 9 nonogenarians

  4. The Little Drummer Boy
    ::I’m poor, so all I can do in the face of inequality is annoy everyone.

  5. Walking in a Winter Wonderland*
    ::marriage officiated by snowmen is a valid relationship goal.

  6. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow*
    ::there will be some hanky panky due to inclement weather.

  7. Baby, it’s Cold Outside*
    ::date rape was much more romantic/humorous in the era before roofies.

  8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas
    ::too bad it’s only October.

  9. Carol of the Bells
    ::it’s very very very very repetitive. Very very very very repetitive.

  10. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas*
    ::”holly” is apparently an adjective

  11. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year*
    ::”mistletoe” is apparently a verb

  12. Do They Know It’s Christmas? +
    ::probably not.

  13. I’ll Be Home For Christmas*
    ::Being in a war sucks, so please control the weather for my benefit.

  14. Santa Baby*
    ::daddy issues are a terrible thing

  15. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
    ::Guess who your real dad is?

  16. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
    ::Santa is Big Brother

  17. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer*
    ::being different is only cool if you’re extremely useful. LIKE A LIGHTBULB!!!

  18. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree*/Jingle Bell Rock
    ::hey, remember when rock n’ roll was relevant?

  19. Feliz Navidad
    ::Hey white people, you too can sing in Spanish!

  20. Mele Kalikimaka
    ::Sleigh bells, schmeigh bells. face it, you’d rather be somewhere where the weather doesn’t suck.

  21. Frosty the Snowman
    ::Magical snowmen don’t need to heed the police.

  22. We Need a Little Christmas*
    ::WE ARE IMPATIENT! p.s. who the heck has a spinet anymore?

  23. Chipmunks’ Christmas Song
    ::I will personally kill anyone who buys Alvin a hula hoop.

* written by at least one Jewish person
+ Bob Geldof had a Jewish grandparent!


December 25, 2012 at 5:52 am Leave a comment

Yuletide wisdom from The Kid

KID: What happens if I don’t go to bed?
ME: Then you won’t get to see Santa tomorrow (he’s scheduled to go to a Santa tea party). 48 (his Elf on the Shelf) will see what’s going on and tell Santa, and you won’t get any presents.
KID: I would just yell bad things at Santa!
ME: Santa would put you on his “naughty” list forever! You wouldn’t get any presents until you’re 90!
KID: I would just turn invisible and sneak into his house and POOP ON HIS HEAD!!! Then I would take off my invisible cloak and find a present and just open it!
ME: What if there was a present in it that you didn’t want? Like a ballerina Waldorf doll (his mom is way into these)… or a boring old spatula?
KID: but Mommy could use a new spatula! WHAT IF IT WAS A REAL DINOSAUR?!? It could be a really really big present and inside would be a real dinosaur, not a pretend one. Then I could take it home and tell it about my dreams.
ME: ok, what if it was something broken?
KID:then I would just SHOOT Santa in the face… with a gun that shoots jelly.
ME: then Santa would not only never give you another present, he’d take all your toys away and give them to other kids who weren’t naughty and deserved them.

December 15, 2012 at 12:53 am Leave a comment


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