Archive for August, 2013
I realize that I have two modes: panicking about money (the lack thereof) and being totally freewheeling about money. I’m in money-panic mode, but I’m not even laid off yet. I need to find middle ground! It’s annoying though, because it irrationally affects things that are totally unrelated, like one minute I’m thinking OMG THE CAR IS DEAD I NEED MONEY TO FIX IT! and that leads to OMG THE CATBOX NEEDS CLEANING BUT I’M BROKE!!! Everything makes me want to curl into a fetal position and wail like a whiny banshee equally. This is most unproductive. Everything I think about adds another stab of pain to the pit of my stomach, though. Yes, I’m actually getting a stomach ache from all this. It’s that weird sour feeling that comes in pangs in the bottom of my abdominal region. My heart beats faster and I feel like I can’t do anything because it’s all too much. This is really dumb because having money or not doesn’t affect my ability to, say, clean my disgustingly messy room or make my bed. And the freaking catbox literally smells like a thousand asses. Why can’t my rational mind be dominant for once?
Ever since I was a little kid, whenever I pictured myself as the archetypal “grown-up,” it always included having twin daughters with red curly hair. I don’t know where this came from; with my genetic make-up I’m sure I couldn’t produce curly red-haired offspring even if I were impregnated by Ronald McDonald himself. Anyway, this was a recurring theme in my life for most of my childhood and teenage years. In my ultimate What I’m Going To Do When I Grow Up fantasy as a teen, I lived in a lighthouse on a cliff surrounded by uninhabited rocky plains with my twin red haired daughters and taught archaeology at an unnamed university (that happened to be near a wasteland with a lighthouse of course). The daughters never had a father and I never had a husband in these fantasies; I’m not sure where I thought I was going to acquire genetically improbable twins without the aid of male intervention (these were definitely my biological kids in the fantasy; as an adopted person that was apparently important). I think in some versions, the baby daddy dies tragically before the twins were born.
Anyway, I haven’t thought about this in years! Last night, though, I dreamed about this life I cooked up for myself as a child and I finally named the twins! In my dream, I came up with the perfect names for them: Vera and Vesna. For some reason, the fact that the names could be pronounced in both English and Croatian was a big plus in my dream. Vera has been one of my favorite names for a long time now. Vesna is a name from Slavic mythology for a spirit of springtime. It means “messenger.” So there you have it. I woke up from this dream thinking it was super significant for some reason. I don’t think in my fantasies I ever named these kids, which is odd because I’m so obsessed with names. When I was little I think I called them Alisa and Alicia, because those were my favorite names (gak!) I even invented a new name for a stuffed animal: Alisalicia because I couldn’t decide which name to give it.
I generally don’t put a lot of stock in dreams, but when I woke up, my first thought was YOU MUST WRITE THIS DOWN!! So I did. There you have it. Vera and Vesna.