Archive for December, 2013

Protected: Motherfucking Drama EVERYWHERE

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December 23, 2013 at 6:54 pm Enter your password to view comments.

To The Person/People Who Left Awesome Free Piles on Richdale Ave at Walden St. in Cambaridge ca. 2007

I tried to post this on Craig’s List, but it kept “blocking” it. I re-wrote it several times, removing what I thought might be the offending items, but it still wouldn’t post, so I got annoyed and here it is.

Dear People/Person Who Left Awesome Stuff on the Curb on Richdale Ave. in Cambridge Around 2007 to 2009,

First of all, we have about the same shoe size, so the ice skates and the red high top Reeboks fit awesomely. The Reeboks are so MC Hammer-era, they make me the envy of all the hipsters I walk by.

The main reason I’m writing this though, is that you left behind a fiber optic Christmas tree one summer. Being a pack-rat, I couldn’t resist it. I have used it every single year since then, and I am 1/2 Grinch. This tree has completely transformed my holiday outlook. Really! Being from the country, my parents would begrudgingly trek out to some farm to bicker about which really cheap tree they liked the best and then we’d argue about the best methods to chop it down and drag it home. Then, once home, my sister would declare it looked like a cactus or Charlie Brown’s worst nightmare, the tree would shed needles like a mofo, and we’d still be tasked to finding and cleaning them up them months later in all the cracks in the floors. In short, Christmas trees were always a pain in the butt for me, but a necessary part of Christmas, since I love Christmas ornaments.

Since I discovered the magic of your fake tree, I now have all the Holiday Spirit without the hassle and arguing! “but… but… what about the lovely smell of pine?” aghast people say in a shocked voice when I mention my awesome second hand holiday shrub (I put Hanukkah decorations on it too). I hang one of those car air fresheners on it. So there.

Basically, you have made all my Christmas Decoration Dreams Come True, and I’d like to properly thank you! The multi colored fiber optic branches have eliminated the need to curse at strings of lights as you trip on them while trying to find the burned out bulb as the cat attacks them at your feet! Plus, it just looks so darn cool! My ornaments shaped like robots and bacon would not be complimented better by anything else! I will never go back to deforestation again. THANK YOU!!! I realize that it’s possible you abandoned your tree (and the Kenny-Rogers-Looking Santa that came with it) because you were moving. Perhaps you were heartbroken to leave Kenny Claus and your fiber optic tree behind. You’ll be happy to know they couldn’t have fallen into more grateful or happier hands).Image

December 12, 2013 at 4:16 am Leave a comment

The Hand Turkey: The Most American Symbol Around

What makes America great? Some people would say ingenuity; what other country has this many inventors and uh… stuff. At least that’s what I’ve heard people say. Opportunity, that’s another one. However, in today’s economic climate, there are fewer opportunities than ever. The gap between the rich and the poor is greater than ever; upward mobility is kind of a joke. For a lot of people, American symbols, such as the flag and the eagle represent jingoism and knee-jerk patriotism. As a person raised in the Reagan era, these things represented the lies that came with selling arms to our enemies in order to fund a fascist regime, the CIA selling cocaine and all sorts of shady stuff. What other symbols are out there? Uncle Sam? Great, another old white guy representing the country. The Statue of Liberty? Well, aside from the fact that it gets destroyed in every other science fiction movie, I guess that one’s OK.

To me, what represents America is the hand turkey. OK ok, Thanksgiving is not everything it’s cracked up to be, what with Native American genocide and all that. I’m not here to argue whether or not we should be celebrating that. All I’m saying is that the hand turkey is awesome– pretty much every single kid in America was forced to make one at some point in their youth, regardless of race, creed, socio-economic status or anything else. It’s a crafty exercise that anyone can do, no matter how artistically challenged they are. I suppose it may discriminate against double amputees, but… uh… still. I stand by my assertion that the hand turkey is the awesomest American symbol out there. So there.

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December 2, 2013 at 3:38 am Leave a comment


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