To The Person/People Who Left Awesome Free Piles on Richdale Ave at Walden St. in Cambaridge ca. 2007

December 12, 2013 at 4:16 am Leave a comment

I tried to post this on Craig’s List, but it kept “blocking” it. I re-wrote it several times, removing what I thought might be the offending items, but it still wouldn’t post, so I got annoyed and here it is.

Dear People/Person Who Left Awesome Stuff on the Curb on Richdale Ave. in Cambridge Around 2007 to 2009,

First of all, we have about the same shoe size, so the ice skates and the red high top Reeboks fit awesomely. The Reeboks are so MC Hammer-era, they make me the envy of all the hipsters I walk by.

The main reason I’m writing this though, is that you left behind a fiber optic Christmas tree one summer. Being a pack-rat, I couldn’t resist it. I have used it every single year since then, and I am 1/2 Grinch. This tree has completely transformed my holiday outlook. Really! Being from the country, my parents would begrudgingly trek out to some farm to bicker about which really cheap tree they liked the best and then we’d argue about the best methods to chop it down and drag it home. Then, once home, my sister would declare it looked like a cactus or Charlie Brown’s worst nightmare, the tree would shed needles like a mofo, and we’d still be tasked to finding and cleaning them up them months later in all the cracks in the floors. In short, Christmas trees were always a pain in the butt for me, but a necessary part of Christmas, since I love Christmas ornaments.

Since I discovered the magic of your fake tree, I now have all the Holiday Spirit without the hassle and arguing! “but… but… what about the lovely smell of pine?” aghast people say in a shocked voice when I mention my awesome second hand holiday shrub (I put Hanukkah decorations on it too). I hang one of those car air fresheners on it. So there.

Basically, you have made all my Christmas Decoration Dreams Come True, and I’d like to properly thank you! The multi colored fiber optic branches have eliminated the need to curse at strings of lights as you trip on them while trying to find the burned out bulb as the cat attacks them at your feet! Plus, it just looks so darn cool! My ornaments shaped like robots and bacon would not be complimented better by anything else! I will never go back to deforestation again. THANK YOU!!! I realize that it’s possible you abandoned your tree (and the Kenny-Rogers-Looking Santa that came with it) because you were moving. Perhaps you were heartbroken to leave Kenny Claus and your fiber optic tree behind. You’ll be happy to know they couldn’t have fallen into more grateful or happier hands).Image


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The Hand Turkey: The Most American Symbol Around Motherfucking Drama EVERYWHERE

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