Archive for March, 2014

Back Slowly Away

So, I’ve sort of been attempting to think about dating again. I put up a profile on one site (I answered the questions, didn’t write anything in the essays because I’m not THAT committed yet). A bunch of people “favorited” my profile or something (didn’t actually send me a message, but indicated they were interested in some way). Here are some excerpts from the profiles of the ones who did that:

  • im looking for very calme lady I want her like a baby.
  • I am a realatively intelligent individual
  • ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. (description of perfect first date)
  • I NO LONGER WILL DATE GIRLS WHO HIT UP CLUBS .. please dont hit me up saying a hardly ever go and then the mintue we not together for a day im going to find you in a clyb and if you are the type to go just becuz i said this and you want to get me mad it will work and i will forget about you Im sorry (this guy is 40 years old with kids)
  • Wherever I decide it may be way or no way…tired of being a sucker and a gentleman to people who can’t grasp the concept of what a Real Man is about. (Ideal First Date Description)
  • ima hard worker and im looking for that specail someone who i can give me heart to. (and me Lucky Charms!)
  • in the summer i love swimming all so love cooking out side because the food taste better off grill love all kinds of music.
  • Iam a easy going lad that limes to enjoy as much as I can what life has to offer.
  • Someone whose headline is I BANG HOT CHICKS, yet his description says “looking for that special lady for a seriouse relationship”
  • Me just ask I will tell like to cuddle and walks on the beach going to movies layed back easy going love to laugh and good communication is a plus don’t be shy message me some time. (apparently not written communication)

I don’t want to sound like a jerk; these are probably all fine gentlemen. I just appreciate complete sentences and spell-checking. Also, over half of the responses are from Catholics. WTF? I am not religious in any way, shape or form! If anything, I am personally anti-religious, in that I don’t really care what other people believe, but I don’t believe in anything. This site also matches people by socio-economic levels (how much education you have and money you make), so I get matched with a lot of construction workers from Southie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but that’s probably where the Catholic bias comes in. I think I am much more into the anthropology of the people this site and the algorithms they use to match people than the actual dating aspect. This is probably a sign I should crawl back under my non-dating rock.

March 17, 2014 at 5:57 pm Leave a comment

Quantity does not equal Quality (or why men should stop whining because women get more attention than them on dating sites)

Guys always bitch about internet dating, because chicks get way more attention on dating sites. Even the least douchey guy will lament “yeah, but it’s not fair, girls get like hundreds of responses to their personals, I have gotten like 2.” It’s true. Females get way more attention on dating sites than men. Why is this? I could go on about how in this culture, men are conditioned to make the first move blah blah blah, but I won’t. Instead, I will break down the messages that the average woman gets. You will see, quantity does not equal quality. 

50% form letters

Many guys can’t be bothered to actually write a note to individual women. They have one letter that they composed and they send the same letter to everyone. How can you tell? It has that sound. It’s all about the guy. It usually highlights what the guy thinks his most attractive qualities are, and sometimes includes what he is looking for in a woman. These things are great, but nothing says “here’s a guy who thinks all women are the same and can’t be bothered to write anything spontaneous” than a form letter. Women like to know that you’ve at least skimmed their profiles, and at the very least view each woman as a different entity, with unique qualities and likes. If you’re going to do this, at least have the decency to write a sentence or two about something, *anything* in the profile of the woman you are messaging. However, many guys still resort form letters. Some of these are of the “manifesto” variety, which discuss a man’s philosophies of dating, often offering the writer’s ideas on what is wrong with women, and that it’s all because of women’s flaws that is still single (sample: “why are women only looking for men who make lots of money?”) Most form letters are REALLY Long. I even got one that was a dating resume of sorts. He actually listed every woman he’d ever dated, with dates, highlights, and reasons for breaking up (never his fault of course). TIP: if you have issues with women, or know “why” you are single, keep it to yourself, at least until you’ve met the strange woman you are messaging. Nobody needs to know your baggage up front! How would you like it if a woman sent you a long, rambling email about how guys are jerks before you even met her?

20% one-liners with poor spelling.

Again, I’m not saying you have to be Shakespeare in your delivery. However, receiving a message that says “U SOND H0TTT MSG ME 4 SEXXXYPICS” or “SHOW ME UR BOBBS” [actual messages I have received]. Basically, if you have the urge to write in all caps, don’t. Also, I realize that “SHOW ME UR BOBBS” is technically a complete sentence, but I’m gonna say it anyway: write complete sentences. SPELL CHECK! I actually sent the person who wrote that message 2 pictures of Bob Marley, his response? A single question mark and then the query “U LIKE 420?” 


probably not what the gentleman was looking for

10% pick-up lines

You wouldn’t think of an internet dating site as a place to have to resort to one-liners, but it is. The pick-up lines are slightly different, but they serve the same function as pickup lines in a bar: an easy, no-brain way to get someone’s attention. On dating sites, they happen to be more along the lines of “you sound sweet,” “I’m looking for a girl I can treat like a princess,” “you look like the kind of girl I want to spoil” etc. I’m pretty old and I’m not a hot chick (i.e., I generally don’t bare much skin in my profile pics), so I don’t get a lot of these messages. I’m told that hot chicks get a much higher percentage. Basically, they are kind of cheesy and cliché. 

10% dick pictures with little or no text

Let me clue you in on a little secret, fellas: gals do NOT want to see pictures of your junk, at least not until they know what your actual name is. Guys seem to have this idea that wangs are analogous to breasts– the more boobs they can see the better, therefore, every chick is desperately dying to look at pictures of dongs. Au contraire, mes amis! It’s probably true that if a woman sent an unsolicited picture of her bare rack to a dude with little or no text, there’s a good chance that would be on that shit like flies on roadkill. The same does not go for women and dicks. Basically, you should probably only send a picture of your schlong to someone (1) if you’ve been dating a while, and/or (2) the person you’ve been dating requests it. If you *do* have the undying urge to send photographic evidence that you are a male to a strange female, at least have the decency to send a message with a complete sentence along with it. I have received pictures of wieners with the only accompanying text being “SUK ON THIS” and “HOW U LIKE?” I’m not saying your message has to be along the lines of “Greetings, attractive female. I thought you might enjoy a picture of my penis to brighten your day, so here it is. Please, pray tell, what do you think of it?” but a complete sentence with at least 90% of the words spell-checked is a good start.

5% Interpreting your headline as sexual innuendo

It’s nice to know some guys actually *read* (or at least have skimmed) my profile. However, it doesn’t matter what you write as a woman, your headline or the material you write in your profile will be perceived as being sexual to some. You could talk about how much you love collecting Precious Moments figurines, and some guy will see that as a euphemism for “I LIKE IT DOGGY STYLE ON THE BACK OF MOTORCYCLES!” There is no helping this. 


This is pretty suggestive though, you have to admit

I once wrote the headline “I like cheese” on a personal site, mostly because couldn’t think of anything better. I got a bunch of messages along the lines of “Oh yeah, I’ll give you some cheese, baby! EAT THIS CHEESE!”  In retrospect, I was probably asking for it with that one. My love of dairy products always clouds my judgement. Anyway, many women include things about sexual desires in their profiles. It is fine to address these, just note where they are (hint: the word “sex” may be involved). 

5% Messages from seemingly sane people you’d actually like to message back

 Internet dating is not all pain and misery. I’ve actually met my last 2 boyfriends online, believe it or not. Sure you have to do a lot of weeding, but this goes for everyone, male and female. Just a few dozen awkwardly awful first dates and who knows? You may meet someone who doesn’t completely annoy you!

March 17, 2014 at 4:31 am Leave a comment


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