Posts filed under ‘petz’

This week needs to bite me (and then get a time out)

In the USA we start the week with Sunday, so I’ll begin there. I had made a plan to go to Lil’ Bitch’s house and we were going to check out a new ice cream place. I sent him an email asking when I should come over. I also called him. I got no reply. Now I know that he doesn’t get cellphone reception in his apartment. However, would it have killed him to walk 2 blocks so he did and tell me not to come over? Also, he now has the innernets in his apartment, so he could have emailed me back. Thus I spent all Sunday waiting around for him. When I got fed up, around 3 or 4, I called up Terrence to see if he wanted to do some porch drinking because it was a good day for such an activity. He said sure (when is he ever not up for drinking?), but he had an errand to run and he’d call me when he got back. Of course he never did. So I spent all day waiting for stupid dudes.

Oh yeah, insurance. It turns out that I didn’t need to wait for a hearing, nor did I need to re-apply. All I need to do is fax a copy of my pay stub to some insurance office. For some reason, they had me down as working at Newbury Comics, but not for Jack and Laura anymore. WTF? It took me long enough to find this out, too. I had to be on hold like 15 different times by cranky people and be transferred to 10 different robots before I got an actual person. Her name was Tawneesha and she freaking RULED. She was nice and she gave me information that was actually useful! However, I still don’t have insurance and my emergency supply of drugs that I got from Lil Bitch’s ex will run out in 2 days.

The kid has been a little hellspawned demon all week, too. He is ten times clingier than usual. He won’t let me do anything that means I am not giving him my 100% undivided attention. However, if I stop, say, reading a book or sitting more than 3 feet away from him and play with him, all he wants to do is bite, pinch, scratch and hit me. He’s not allowed to do these things; each infraction results in a 5-minute time out. Or rather, 5 minutes of him screaming bloody murder until I let him out of the playpen. At this point, he is PISSED and what does he do when he’s pissed? He scratches, hits, pinches and bites of course! Thus the cycle repeats itself. Today he smacked me really hard in the eye with a tupperware container. It did not tickle. Monday he wanted to go outside, but when I took him outside it was too hot and he wanted to go back in. Of course, once inside he got bored and wanted to go back out. Today he took pleasure in earnestly requesting peas (his favorite food of the moment is frozen peas which he even sprinkled on his oatmeal this morning) and then making eye contact, smiling, and dramatically dumping them all over the floor. He’s also falsely been reporting stinky diapers and biting not hard enough to be a real bite, just enough so he can look at me and see what I’m going to do about it. He has been similarly testing me with pinching. I just feel like no matter what I do, I am the enemy. I know the kid is barely a year and a half old, and that’s what kids that age do, but I don’t like feeling like I’m the evil arch-nemesis who must be defeated at all costs. I’ve tried many different approaches to no avail.

I’m roasting right now because the baby next door was crying all evening and it was setting off my baby-alert system so much I had to close the window so I didn’t hear it! I have 3 brains cells whose only function it is to listen for the sound of an unhappy baby in another room (i.e., waking up from a nap, getting into trouble) and I can’t turn them off. They got enough of a workout today with the Little Dude as unhappiness was his main mode, and my brain cells were just tuckered out and my nerves were on edge! I feel bad that he’s so cranky and miserable all the time. I mean, it’s my job to keep him happy. When he’s being an antagonistic little bastard, not only is it kind of irritating, but I also feel like I’m failing as a care-giver (side note: why are caregivers and caretakers pretty much the same thing?)!

We went to the park today and he got really excited about the geese that were hanging out there. “Geese” is a word he can say. He can say 4 words besides “mama” and “dada”, but 2 of them can mean myriad different things (“up” can only mean “up”. “Ka” for “car” usually means only “car,” but when he’s happy he shrieks “ka ka ka!” and when he’s pissed, he growls “kaaaa kaaaaa kaaaaa”)The one that sounds sort of like “Deesh” or “Jish” can be: this, fish, cheese, juice, shoes, toast, toes, sheep, and dish (I think he’s saying “dish”– he likes to play in the dishwasher, maybe that’s where he picked up “dish?” he kept picking up a bowl and saying that). The other word “ees” can be: teeth, please and peas. Now it includes “geese”! Everything with wings was “geese” today– it was cute.

I suppose my week hasn’t been a total loss so far. Monday was hot and sticky and gross, so when I got home from work I put on my bathing suit, got a plate of grapes mixed up a seabreeze and lolled in the pool with my library book. It was freaking AWESOME!

However, my house is so disgusting I can barely stand being in it. It’s really gross in here. It’s so bad that every time I try to clean it I just get discouraged so it just gets worse. Really, it’s like a crazy person lives here. this is the kind of house where you find old ladies who have been dead for a month with cats chewing on their corpses. And speaking of cats, stupid fucking Morrissey has taken to peeing on everything. WTF? I changed cat litters– I got the eco-friendly kind that’s made of pine chips that’s more absorbent than the normal kind. Apparently it’s unacceptable. Grrr.

June 23, 2010 at 2:44 am Leave a comment

Fun With Pets

My apartment is a feline vomitorium right now thanks to my lack of a kitchen. Let me elucidate… I don’t have much counter space, so after I made a nice dinner of George Forman-grilled salmon, I had it on my plate and went to balance the plate on the tiny piece of counter I have. It went crashing to the floor, flaking into little bits. I rescued most of it, but the rest got in the carpet and the cats had a fish gobbling orgy before I could even reach for a rag to attempt to clean it up.

Now they are discovering that salmon doesn’t really agree with them and are leaving me gooey little fishy-smelling presents all over the apartment. Oh boy do I love having pets right now!

On another note, I went to Norwood today to pick up a couple of African Dwarf frogs that Dana, this chick I know from Allston was giving away. Norwood is about 30.2 miles away on mostly highway and Google Maps estimated that it would take 39 minutes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA!!! I am laughing so hard right now! I’m delirious with laughter! It took me just short of an hour just to get on the non-Boston side of the Ted Williams tunnel! The entire way there I didn’t go more than 40 MPH and most of the time I didn’t even get out of second gear. Oy vey.

ANYWAY, I now have 2 adorable little frogs + 2 “janitor” snails that keep the tank clean.


I’m not sure what to name them. They ARE frogs, so I was thinking Olivier and Fran├žoise. I was toying with Janet the Janitor for one snail and perhaps Jan the Janitor (Yon the Yonitor like Jan Hammer) for the other one. Hmm.

November 7, 2009 at 3:34 am Leave a comment

Beach Day!

Today is the first beach day of the year, and my STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT CATS are doing everything within their little evil furry powers to stop me from going. I awoke this morning and went to put my bathing suit on… only to find that not only had it been peed on, but it had been ripped up. Lard Ass is really OCD about covering up his excretions, only he doesn’t really get the concept. He’ll pee in the cat box and then go scratch at the ceiling of the cat box, some newspapers in the kitchen, my laundry, the couch pillows, anything until I throw something at him and make him stop. So no bathing suit. No biggie. It was kind of an ugly one anyway. I didn’t want a slutty bathing suit and the only non-slutty ones they had at Target when Moth was insisting she buy me one last post-Christmas sale season were for fat old ladies. This one boasted that it made you look skinnier than any other suit. Unfortunately, it was really saggy in the boob area because large people who want to look slender invariably have a way bigger rack than I do.

Now I’m going to have to buy a new bathing suit, which I hate more than almost anything on earth (shoe shopping is still a more odious task– I think this hatred is linked to the non-girly gene that prevents me from ever getting a date with non-schizophrenics).

But wait! I have 2 cats! What could adorable little Jarvis do to prevent my beach going? Well, he’s been nesting on my towel shelf, so there is a 3-inch layer of cat hair on my beach towel. Unless I want to look like an orange and white Sasquatch when I get out of the water, I’m going to have to find other towel arrangements.

When I get back from the ocean, I’m gonna take both bitchez to the Wok n’ Roll Chinese restaurant and have them turned into a nice plate of General Gao’s Chicken. Then perhaps I will make a new bathing suit out of their pelts.

July 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm 1 comment

My Mother The Baby & Cat Whisperer

Friday the baby (I think he needs a name. We’ll call him Neville) wouldn’t take his nap. He wouldn’t eat, and he was starving, and he wouldn’t sleep. He was a miserable little dude and screamed and screamed… until Moth showed up to pick me up from work (she had to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. and get here 2 hours early; it’s just the way she is). One look at Moth and Neville started laughing. Seriously. He was laughing really hard and finding her hysterical. Then she picked him up and walked him around and he fell asleep. Holy crap! I had tried everything! She just has the touch, I guess.

We went back to my house, and Jarvis my anti-social cat whom nobody has ever seen because he hides under the bed whenever anyone comes over, jumped up on her lap and took a nap. Lard Ass also took a turn on her lap, Lard Ass who is totally gay and only likes dudes that is. Lard loves Robin, Pete, Saki, anything male. He could not care less about Athena, Patty, Laura, or anything female. Maybe he thinks Moth is a dude? She doesn’t even like cats that much!

The rest of the weekend was pretty fun– we cleaned the house (Moth’s idea), which was long overdue. She even split the cost of a new vaccuum cleaner with me because mine, well, didn’t suck. We walked around outside a lot because the weather was beautiful. We also played Boggle, Scrabble and lots of Bananagrams. Rock on!

June 8, 2009 at 2:59 pm Leave a comment


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